Confessions of An Addict

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

I've never admitted this to anyone before, but I have a secret addiction.  I love books.  Ahhh . . . Felt good to finally say that.  I love books!  I love picture books, chapter books, fiction, non-fiction, reference, romance, mystery, comedy, tragedy.  I love it all.  I don't really collect anything (except dust-bunnies), but I have so many books that I've filled our two coat closets in the entry-way, two bookshelves in the living room, the storage cabinet in the laundry room, a couple of my kitchen cabinets, and a few storage shelves in the garage as well.  And I'm still out looking for more.  I love adding new authors, titles, and genres to our school library each year as the children grow and learn and develop new interests.  I love going to the bookstore, finding new deals on ebay, and adding to our collection via Amazon too.  I have a serious problem.  I know.  I love it.

Yesterday, the Lord sent me an extra special blessing (in the form of books).  I only had the twins with me so we went to a used/new bookstore in Anchorage.  They sell Saxon books, so I picked up our math curriculum for next year.  They had lots of wonderful books to add to our curriculum, so I was having a blast selecting books.  When I went to the counter to checkout, I gave my name and number to put my school items on hold until the curriculum fair next week.  This way, I'm able to purchase the items I need through our charter school without paying out-of-pocket for them.  I had an ABeka book to buy as well which is not covered by our charter school.  When I was trying to pay for that book, the cashier told me that I had an $80.00 credit in my name.  I was very confused.  I had never shopped there before.  Apparantly, the orders I had placed at the curriculum fair the last 3 years had earned credit that I didn't know about.  I was so excited.  I bought the ABeka book I needed and chose a brand new boxed set of Beverly Clearly chapter books for Josh and Joy.  $80.00 worth of books for free!  That had to be directly from my Heavenly Father! 

I Wasn't Prepared . . .

Josh was prepared for our first year of testing (Standards Based Assessments).  We had practiced with fun review games.  We had studied with online interactive games.  We had worked on the practice tests.  We had talked about what it would be like.  Josh got out his clothes the night before.  He packed his bag with a snack, a drink, and plenty of no. 2 pencils.  He set his alarm clock and went to bed early.  We got up in plenty of time.  Papa arrived early to stay with the younger children.  Josh and I had a great time getting breakfast on the way.  It was what happened when we got to the testing location that I wasn't prepared for.  I had emotionally prepared myself for Josh to be hesisitant about going into this strange place with hundreds of other kids and teachers he had never met.  I was ready for him to hold my hand tightly and his eyes to fill up with tears while he asked me if I could please stay with him.  Unfortunately, it was much, much worse than that.  In fact, well, it is almost too awful to tell.. .

As we sat in the van finishing our breakfast, Josh watched as all the kids poured toward the front entrance.  Then, he tells me that he's not hungry anymore and can't finish his food.  As I wrap up his leftovers and tuck them away, he tells me, "Okay, see ya later, Mom!"  WAIT!  I am not ready for this.  I had prepared myself for a difficult goodby when I had to leave him there in his classroom.  Instead, he was fine just leaving me in the van.  It was more than I could take.  I choked back my tears and told him, "No, I think I should go in too."  We walked in, I signed him in and left my contact information, and it happened again.  He took off towards his class with a quick, "Bye Mom!"  I took off to catch up with him while he explained to me that he knew where he was going and I could go ahead and leave.  Somehow, seeing him talk to his teacher, sit down at a table, and start talking to people at his table made it feel even more final.  He didn't need me.  At least, not right at this moment.  He was prepared, I was not.

Yes, I left in tears; wouldn't you?  Still, it was a great day for both of us.  I grew up a little and so did he.  I see him differently now than I did then.  Yes, he's my baby.  He always will be, but the truth is that I gave him to the Lord a long time ago and these little baby steps are God's gentle way of teaching me to trust him with my children even when they aren't in my immediate care.  I'm thankful that they are never outside of God's care.  As they grow they need to become more independent from me.  My prayer is that they will become more dependent on God with each step of their life and that I will lean on God's strength when I'm unprepared for the steps they each will take . . . steps that take them away from me even just a little.